Gajeel's Guide to Girls
by Rosalite
Summary: Gajeel thinks he's a girl guru and is going to prove his knowledge by educating the guys of Fairy Tail on all things girl by testing his absurd theories on their unsuspecting female guildmates. Yeah, because that TOTALLYs sound like a good idea considering the girls of FT aren't your typical chicks. Will Gajeel prove to be a female expert or is he just talking out of his ironhole?
1. Gajeel vs Gildarts

_**A/n: Hello, I am the fabulous authoress, Rosalite (Rosa-light). I need to stop making new stories without finishing my old ones, but I really wanted to write this one.**_

 _ **Be sure to write a review at the end of the chapter and tell me how I did. I suck at first chapters, so Idk. Follows/favorites are also extremely appreciated. They are my motivation for even continuing my fanfics, because I know someone's for sure out there reading and enjoying them. Thank you so much! Let's see how this goes…**_

 _ **(He he, I still can't get over how "Mirajane" autocorrects to "Marijuana").**_

* * *

 _Girlology with Gildarts, Session 1_

 **Present: Elfman Strauss, Happy the Cat, Natsu Dragneel,  
Gray Fullbuster, Panther Lily (Pantherlily?) the Cat, Gajeel Redfox**

"Natsu. What's the difference between a girl and a mushroom?"

 _That_ was the idiotic question that started it all.

Natsu Dragneel stared at the shitty illustrations Gildarts Clive had scribbled on the whiteboard. " _That's_ what those are?" he wrinkled his nose in disbelief. Gildarts couldn't be a crappy drawer; the "mushroom" he'd drawn looked like a turd and the "girl" was just a crooked stick figure with two squiggly spaghetti-like lines protruding out of the head (hair?). How the fuck could you even mess up a stickman? It was literally just some lines with a circle on top.

"You gotta be kiddin' me," spat Gajeel Redfox in between a mouthful of silverware.

"Don't justify that with an answer, Natsu," warned barely-dressed Gray Fullbuster, holding an ice pack up to his black eye.

The pink-haired dragon slayer ignored Gray, giving Gildarts a super-squinty expression. "I'm not THAT dumb. Mushrooms are the round plant things that grow out of the ground and make your stomach burn like hell if you accidentally eat the poisonous kind. Girls are the things that are the opposite of boys that have round chest, long hair, smell really good, and hate it when you walk up on them while they're taking a bath."

Gray facepalmed. "What if she doesn't have tits?" challenged Gajeel, "like Levy."

"That depends. What _are_ tits?"

Gray facepalmed again.

"Doesn't matter, because you're wrong anyway," insisted Gildarts matter-of-factly, "there _isn't_ a difference between mushrooms and girls. He even drew an equal sign between his drawings of the "girl" and "mushroom." Girl = Mushroom.

"What the fuck?" muttered Gajeel, helping himself to another spoon.

"And they say _our_ generation is dumb," snorted Gray.

"Huh?" Natsu, who was obviously confused, wrinkled his nose. "I don't get it."

"Girl equals mushroom? Yeah, that TOTALLY makes sense," said Gray sarcastically, "if that's the case, boy equals potato. Cat equals eggplant."

Happy, the flying blue cat, shrieked. "Ew! I _hate_ eggplant!" And all other things that were relatively healthy (beside fish, of course. Happy would _kill_ for fish).

"Eggplant is a REAL MAN's vegetable," boom Elfman Strauss, _also_ holding an ice pack up to his hideous black eye.

"You're kidding, right?" Panther Lily (Pantherlily?), who'd been quiet up until now, stared up at Gildarts in disbelief.

"How hungover are you?" Gajeel asked Gildarts with a smirk.

The older man blinked. "Not that much," he admitted. Just yesterday, he'd been upstairs having beergams at the bar with Cana, his drinking buddy/daughter. He honestly looked a little tired and dry, barely sitting up straight on his stool.

"But you can eat mushrooms. You can't eat girls," said Natsu slowly. He thought about it for a minute. " _Can_ you?"

"No, dummy! That would be cannibalism," said Happy, "I bet they taste bad anyway. Especially Erza. She probably tastes like a rock." He snickered at his own lame joke.

"What's cannonballism?" Natsu was too confused to even laugh at the insult Happy had just thrown at Queen Tatiana.

"Never mind. Just don't try to eat anybody, okay?"

"Are we almost done yet? I need to take a MANLY bathroom break," said Elfman.

"Yeah, Gildarts. Some of us have to take a piss," deadpanned Gray.

"Just freeze it so ya won't have to go," suggested Natsu like the solution was obvious.

"Dumbass, I can't freeze my piss in my _bladder._ That'd kill me," snapped the raven-haired ice-make mage.

"Just hold it. "I'm not done yet. In fact, we're just getting started," said Gildarts, turning back to the whiteboard.

"I don't care. How in hell are _toadstools_ and _girls_ one in the same?" challenged Gray, "I've never heard _anyone_ say that?"

"Relax. I didn't say mushrooms _are_ girls, I'm saying they're _like_ girls. It's just a simile."

"But you put an _equal_ sign between them," argued Gray, "do you know what an _equal_ sign means, Gildarts? It means the things on both sides are _equal_ to each other."

Gildarts smirked. "Well, somebody's being a smartass today."

"And somebody's being a _dumb_ ass," countered Gray, "And I'm NOT talking about Natsu.

"Hey!"

"Yeah, gramps. Since when do those two equal out to each other?" asked Gajeel.

"Well, for starters, they're both fleshy and round up top—"

"But that's with people in general," cut in Gray, " _everyone's_ fleshy and hello! _Man boobs."_

"There is nothing manly about round breasts," thundered Elfman.

"Everyone shut up. _I'm_ doing the talking here," reminded Gildarts, "from now on, no talking unless I call on you, got it?" He sighed deeply, calming down. "Okay, let's just start over. He erased his previous drawings and used his marker to write **GIRLOLOGY WITH GILDARTS** across the board. He smirked. "That's got a nice ring to it," he said to himself. He turned around to look at his new students. "Okay, fellas. You're here because you got issues; issues with the ladies. The master has noticed this and asked me to offer my services and teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex. Any questions?"

Long story short, this week hadn't been a good one between the ladies of their magic guild, Fairy Tail, a few certain male members. During the past seven days, Natsu and Happy had been trespassing into Lucy Heartfilia's relentlessly. Of course, this got on the blond's nerves but what REALLY set her off was when she caught them reading and making fun of her _private_ compositions two days ago. That and the fact they'd also broken a few dishes and basically destroyed her bathroom. As a result, Lucy had given them quite a few Lucy Kicks to the face (on Happy's part) and the nuts (on Natsu's part. Girl had some FIRE in her legs; he STILL had trouble walking) and the Silent Treatment.

Gray hadn't screwed up _as_ much; he only got hurt because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Yesterday, he'd been idling around the guild hall when he spotted a random plate of cookies setting out on the bar. He tried one and _was that thing_ _ **disgusting.**_ They tasted like a crusty mixture of drywall, old boots, chalk, and lemon juice. _"B_ oy, _these taste like shit. I wonder what idiot made 'em,"_ he had made the mistake of saying aloud. Well, turned out Mirajane Strauss, Elfman's older sister, had been standing there the whole time and burst into immediate tears. _"Mira. Mira, please don't cry_ ," Gray had begged, _"I-I didn't know it was you."_ Just as he was trying to calm poor Mira down, Lucy, who'd already been worked up thanks to Natsu and Happy, stormed over out of nowhere and landed a blow right on his face, specifically his eye.

But out of everyone, it was _Elfman_ who suffered (like a MAN!). The same day after coming back from a MANLY jog with Evergreen in which he'd worked up a MANLY appetite, Elfman spotted a MANLY slice of cheesecake just sitting out in the open. Not wanting to let such a MANLY piece of cake go to waste, Elfman had made the mistake of eating it. Well, it turned out that cake was Erza Scarlet's, the scariest mage at Fairy Tail. Now you know how Elfman got that MANLY black eye. (Don't worry. He took the punch like a true MAN).

Master Makarov, having noticed how much the guys had been triggering the girls lately, instructed the guys to come down to Fairy Tail's basement for some "special education" on girls so they'd learn how to NOT piss them off for the sake of the guild (and his headache). Naturally, the master did not want to burden himself with teaching the young men himself, so he got the next best thing: Gildarts.

And now here the guys were, sitting cross-legged in a circle on the floor in the basement around Gildarts and his whiteboard on wheels.

Gajeel raised his hand. "Just one," he said without waiting for Gildarts to call on him. "Why in the _fuck_ are _you_ teachin' this thing? You might be four times our age—"

"Three," corrected Gildarts defensively, "I'm not THAT old."

"—but you don't know shit about girls. Hell, _I_ can do a better job."

"Gajeel, if you don't stop lying," said Natsu and Gray at the same time, rolling their eyes. "Yeah, Gajeel. You don't know a thing about _an_ ything," taunted Natsu, "those spoons you eat are smarter you."

"Shut up, pyro-moron. _I_ should be the one passin' on knowledge here," insisted Gajeel, "I didn't even _do_ anything to the girls; the old man just made me come down here because of you idiots."

"Hey, I might not be a damn expert on the subject, but I have way more experience with women than you," pointed out Gildarts.

"Yeah, experience with gettin' _rejected_ ," countered Gajeel, "how many freakin' chicks have you been with?"

"The hell if I know. I lost count at 20—"

"Ha! _Exactly_."

"—but _I_ was the one who rejected _them_. Most of the time." Gildarts didn't even look ashamed.

Elfman snorted in disgust. "How UNMANLY."

"The point is, _I_ should be runnin' this thing," said Gajeel arrogantly, "I know far more about females than this bozo."

"Watch it, buddy. Last time I checked, the master put _me_ in charge here."

"Yeah, only because _he_ didn't want to be."

"Okay, so this is clearly a problem," announced Lily, "both Gildarts and Gajeel want to instruct this…'girlology' session, but only one can—"

"Wait. I have an idea," cut in Gray, the corner of his mouth tugging into a smile. "Both Gildarts and Gajeel think they know a lot of girls, right? Then how about they _prove_ it?"

"Huh?" Everyone turned to look at him.

"The answer is simple. We're all having issues with the girls, right? Then how about we put both of them to the test?"

Natsu and Happy were still confused. "Huh?"

Thankfully, Elfman understood. "If they know so much, they should be able to tell us how to fix things with the girls."

Gray nodded. "We'll make a competition of it. They'll both give us different solutions to our problems and whoever's works get a point. Whoever gets the most points wins."

"Ooh, I like it! A battle between Gildarts and Gajeel!" Happy looked excited. "This is gonna be good!"

Lily, on the other hand, didn't look ecstatic. "That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Perhaps there is another way—"

"No way! We're _totally_ doin' this." Gajeel flashed a confident grin. "What do ya say, Gildarts? Ready for a little competition?"

"How can I possibly turn down a challenge like that?" Gildarts looked equally as self-assured as he rose from his stool. "Let's do this thing. May the best girl expert win."

* * *

 **The Gildarts Way: Lucy**

"Wait. Which one is Lucy again?" asked Gildarts about fifteen minutes later, pausing in the middle of a stone street in Magnolia Town. He and the squad were on the way to a bookstore Gajeel knew of thanks to Levy McGarden. Gildarts had figured if Lucy liked to read, she'd forgive Natsu if he gave her a book as an apologetic gift. And it wasn't until now Gildarts was even questing who Lucy _was_.

The others paused as well. "Why are you _just_ asking that?" Gray stared at Gildarts like he was an idiot or something. Everyone knew Gildarts had short-term memory, but why the hell was he asking about Lucy fifteen minutes _after_ formulating a Lucy-orientated plan back at the guild?

"She's the one with the blond hair and pervy outfits," replied Happy, using his wings to float at head level with Lily. "Not to be confused with Erza, who has _red_ hair and also wears pervy outfits."

"Oh, the new girl. Gotcha. You're an idiot, Natsu."

"You're _just_ noticing?" asked Gajeel sarcastically, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stepped out of the way of an old lady pushing her fruit cart.

"What? _How_?" Though Natsu was frequently called an idiot, he took offense to the insult every time. Even this time his face was scrunched up hideously.

"No sane man would piss off a girl _that_ pretty. That'd be doing the opposite: _anything_ in their power to get in her pants." Only womanizer Gildarts would say such a thing.

Natsu didn't get it. "Why the hell would I want to get in her pants?" He wrinkled his nose again. "She hardly wears 'em anyway."

"Never mind. Forget I said anything." Gildarts waved his comment away dismissively as he and the guys continued toward the bookstore.

Once inside, Natsu's and Happy's jaws dropped. "Look at all the books, Happy," said Natsu, his eyes huge as he looked around at the stacks of stacks of books arranged on all the tables.

"I know! I don't think I've ever seen so many in one place!" Happy was just as astonished.

"Are you telling me you two haven't even been in a library before?" asked Elfman, "only _real_ men read."

"I don't think they _can_ ," muttered Gajeel as they proceeded deeper into the store.

"I heard that, Gajeel!" Natsu barked over his shoulder.

"Shhh!" hissed a nearby group of crusty-looking old ladies.

"You were supposed to, dammit!"

" _Shhh!"_

"Quiet you two. Show some decency in public," scolded Gray, folding his arms across his bare chest.

"Says the same hypocrite who's only wearing a pair of panties in a public establishment," snapped Gajeel in return, a vein bulging in his forehead.

"Actually, they're boxer shorts, smart-ass— _shit,_ where'd my clothes go?!"

" _Shhh!"_

Gajeel whirled around and growled at them. "Would you old hags shut—"

"That's enough. It's not manly to shout at old ladies," said Elfman, suddenly grabbing the dragon slayer and dragging him toward the back of the store after the others.

"Okay, so from what you've told me about her, Lucy likes to read," recalled Gildarts (it was a miracle he remembered that much), "who's her favorite author?"

"Dunno," chorused Natsu and Happy.

"Okay, that's fine. What are her favorite genres?"

"Dunno," repeated Natsu and Happy.

Gildarts sweatdropped. "Does she like fiction or nonfiction?"

"Dunno."

"Well, damn. Do you know _anything_ about her?" Gildarts looked a tad bit annoyed.

"I think her eyes are brown," stated Happy.

"Yep. Definitely brown," agreed Natsu.

Gildarts sighed. "It's fine. If reading is her favorite hobby, she's probably open to all genres. So we'll just choose something that looks interesting and everything should be alright."

"How about this one, Gildarts?" offered Natsu, holding up a random book he'd chosen from one of the tables. The front cover had a kiddy, half-assed illustration of a rabbit and a turtle.

Gajeel let out an amused laugh.

"Natsu, you half-wit. That's the _Tortoise and the Hare_ ," said Gray, "that's for little kids who can barely read. Like _you_."

"You can't be serious. If you give that to Lucy, she'll take it as an insult and think you're even more of a jerk," frowned Gildarts, "are you _trying_ to make me lose here?"

"No, he's just really dense," corrected Gray.

Gajeel laughed again and muttered something smug under his breath, shaking his head with a confident grin glued to his face. "Let's not get cocky," Gildarts said to him coolly. He then seized Natsu's shoulders and steered him toward the adult section. "Lucy is a mature reader, so she'll want something for a mature audience," he explained to the dragon slayer, "so kid books simple aren't going to cut it."

"But Happy and I've never read an adult book." A look of worry stretched across Natsu's face.

"Or _any_ kind of book at all," chuckled Gajeel, him and Elfman still at their heels. Lily had already abandoned them to look into some books on fruit.

"I heard that too, Gajeel!" Natsu barked over his shoulder.

"You were supposed to, dumbass!"

" _Shhhh!"_

"Shut up, you old geezers!" Both dragon slayers snarled at them.

"Don't worry; leave that to me." Gildarts patted Natsu on the head. "I'll choose the book. Should be easy enough— _holy crap_." That was when he noticed how _uneasy_ the task was going to be. There were surrounded by aisles of loaded bookshelves, hundreds and hundreds of different books, hundreds of hundreds of different choices—and coffee mugs. (Seriously, the store was _pushing_ coffee mugs. They were displayed _everywhere._ They had all kinds of mugs; ones with monkeys, ones with cats, ones with creepy disembodied smiles. It was an epidemic!)

"Okay, so this _might_ be a little bit more difficult than I thought," Gildarts mumbled to himself.

"What about this one, Gildarts?" offered Natsu, holding up another book. This time, it was a first-reader version of _Sleeping Beauty._

"No! That's another children's book. And how the hell did you get to and from the kid's section so fast?" Gildarts was getting a headache already. "I told you _I_ would pick something."

"Yeah, well, you're takin' too long. Happy and I got stuff to do."

"Yeah," echoed Happy.

"Like _what_?" challenged Gildarts.

"Hey, where's Gray?" spoke up Elfman, looking around in confusion. The ice mage had disappeared from their side.

Just then, they heard the commotion not far away. "Hey! Let go of me, man," a voice that sounded like Gray's snapped. "I just— _hey_!"

"Oh, great. What did the stripper get himself into this time?" grumbled Gajeel. Just as they were rounding the corner of a bookshelf, they spotted Gray all the way at the front of the store. Some beefy guy was literally tossing him out of the glass entrance and onto the sidewalk outside.

"…and don't dare come back," the big guy was shouting at him.

"Relax. It's just Gray getting' kicked out for public indecency," said Natsu like it was no big deal, "at this rate, he won't be able to step foot in _any_ business; he gets banned from everywhere for not wearin' clothes."

Elfman shook his head. "How unmanly."

"Forget about Gray. Hey Gildarts, hey long—HEY! _Where's Gildarts_?" demanded Natsu, turning back around to notice Gildarts was _also_ missing. It only took him millisecond to locate the older mage; he was over by the clearance section flirting with a younger woman.

"Gildarts, you dumbass! Get back over here!" Natsu barked at him.

After another round of flirting, Gildarts finally came over. "Hehe, sorry. I got distracted. Wait. _What are we doing here again?"_

Everyone groaned.

 **-A few minutes later-**

"Holy shit," Gildarts mumbled to himself, his nose slightly bleeding as silently read from the book he just selected. His eyes bulged out of their sockets as they drifted further down the page, soaking in every dirty word. _"Holy shit,"_ repeated Gildarts, this time awestruck as his nosebleed became more intense. This was the _hottest_ book he'd ever read.

Gajeel, Natsu, Elfman, and the cats had wandered off to the men's room to take a piss, finally leaving Gildarts with a little bit of piece while he book-searched. Wanting to go ahead and get done with this little field trip, he'd randomly chosen a book off the shelf in the adult section. He'd read the summary—it sounded pretty interesting but Gildarts decided to read a little just to make sure they weren't bullshiting him. It wasn't until he opened the novel to a page in the middle he realized this wasn't just any adult book—it was an _erotica_. And he was hooked and sweating like crazy.

His body and _everything_ was shaking. Seriously, he had no idea _books_ could get him so worked up. He didn't even know books could be so _sexy_! His felt his cheeks blush as he read more and more, getting deeper into the story. Every part was sexier than the next, every scene more exciting than the last—

"That's the _last_ time I _ever_ use a public bathroom with you, Salamander" Gajeel's nearby voice hissed, completely ruining the moment. The older mage closed the book shut just as the guys and cats returned. Everyone beside Natsu looked disturbed and annoyed.

"What he'd do?" asked Gildarts automatically. "Wait, let me guess. He missed the urinal again?"

"Damn straight," responded Gajeel, shooting Natsu a foul look. "And I thought Elfman's aim was crappy."

"Hey, at least I actually got all of my manly fluids in the toilet," said Elfman defensively, glaring at Natsu.

"I am extremely nauseated," announced Lily, looking like he was legit about to barf. "Are _all_ humans that repulsive?"

"Nope, just Natsu," said Happy casually, appearing unbothered. He was probably used to the gross things Natsu did.

"They're gonna need to clean that place up ASAP," said Natsu proudly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" asked Gajeel roughly, "that's an _understatement._ I feel bad for the poor guy who's going to go in there next."

"Ah, someone help!" shrieked a masculine voice from the men's restroom, "my feet are stuck to the floor!"

Natsu cackled evilly. "So, got Lucy's book yet?" he asked Gildarts. "And why the heck is your nose bleeding?"

Gildarts quickly wiped away the blood with his sleeve and grinned. "Don't worry. I chose the _perfect_ book."

* * *

 **-Back at Fairy Tail-**

"LUUUCY!"

Lucy Heartfilia looked up from her notebook to see idiot Happy and even dumber Natsu rushing toward her. She felt her mood darken instantly. Just a few minutes ago she'd been enjoying her _quiet_ brainstorming session at the bar, completely at peace. It was a miracle she was even found tranquility, especially after what happened with Natsu and Happy two days ago. Breaking into her apartment and invading her personal space was one thing, reading her notes and short stories was something COMPLETELY different. As a writer, Lucy was extremely protective of her writings, so imagine what she'd felt when she caught the pair looking through her notebooks, snickering at what she'd written like it was a joke or something. That made Lucy feel extremely angry, embarrassed, and vulnerable all at the same time. She didn't feel very comfortable with letting people read her literature, not even her fellow bookworm Levy McGarden. So she felt _violated_ when she found the dragon slayer and blue cat snooping through her _private_ creations. That was the reason she hadn't spoken to either of them since.

"What do you two idiots want?" she growled as they ran over. She tried not to stare at the wrapped gift box in Natsu's hands.

"This is for you." Natsu offered Lucy the box. "Happy and I are sorry for what we did two days ago, so we bought you something to prove it."

That caught Lucy off guard. "Really?"

"Aye!" exclaimed Happy. "Open it, Lucy."

Lucy was astonished. She never expected _Natsu_ to buy her something. He really must've been sincere about this. "O-Okay," she stammered, taking the mystery box from Natsu. She slowly peeled off the wrapping and gasped to find a thick book. "This is for me?"

Natsu and Happy nodded, proud. "We know you're into reading, so we thought we'd buy you a book to show how sorry we are," said Happy.

Lucy felt her cheeks flush. This was sweet; even she couldn't deny it. "U-um, thanks," she said, her face burning. "I guess you guys are really sorry, huh? Well, I'm still kinda upset about what you did, but I'll forgive you. Just don't go through my stuff again, okay?"

"Aye, sir!" The both of them nodded.

 **-On the other side of the room-**

"Ha! Looks like my plan worked," boasted Gildarts as he and the guys watched Lucy accept Natsu's apology gift. "That's one point for me!"

 **Gildarts: 1, Gajeel: 0**

Gajeel cracked a grin. "Good for you. Wonder how long THAT'S gonna last."

 **The Gildarts Way: Mirajane**

"Okay, Gray. So all you gotta do is give these flowers to Mirajane over there," prompted Gildarts, handing Gray a blue bouquet of flowers. He and the guys were gathered in the main hall where they were staking Mira out from one of the tables far away from the bar where she was working. Lucy wasn't too far away, but was too engrossed in the book Natsu and Happy had given her to pay attention to them. "Mira likes cute and innocent things, so this should do the trick."

"This better work." Gray snatched the flowers from him. "If I don't show up here tomorrow, it'll be your fault."

Gajeel snorted. "You're being dramatic. It's just Strauss. Why are you so worried over what happened with her anyway? She ain't the type to hold a grudge over silly shit. She's probably over it by now."

"Yeah, but you never know. I wanna be on her good side to be safe. Mira may be sweet, but she can still be an ass-kicking powerhouse when she wants to." Gray shuddered at the thought of Mira's Satan Soul. Somehow, Mira in that state was more frightening than Erza. "I just don't want to trigger her. Especially after I had that nightmare about her choking me in her she-demoness form…"

"Sounds more like an erotic dream to me," giggled Happy.

"Shut up, cat."

"I agree with Gray. My sister can be pretty damn terrifying when someone ruffles her feathers," said Elfman, "it's best he apologizes to her like a man."

Gray inhaled deeply. "Well, here goes nothing…"

"Ha, this is going to work for sure," insisted Gildarts as he and the guys watched Gray approach the bar, "Mira's a total sweetheart. No way she'll turn down a guy with flowers."

Gajeel matched his smirk. "We'll see."

"Uh, hi, Mira," said Gray shakily. Mira, who'd been wiping down the surface of the bar, looked up and smiled at Gray. "Oh. Hey, Gray. Can I help you with anything?" She smiled up at him innocently.

For some odd reason, at the sight of her sweet smile, Gray was reminded of her terrifying Satan Soul. He saw himself getting choked to death by those scaly green hands. He started sweating just as the thought. "Uh, these are for you," he said quickly, shoving the flowers at Mira.

On the other side of the guild hall, someone shrieked in horror. "GRAY-SAMA LOVES MIRAJANE-SAN?!" screamed Juvia Lockser, Gray's stalker.

"Oh, Gray. They're beautiful." Mira accepted the bouquet, looking at the ice mage questioningly. "What's the occasion?"

"Uh, I just wanted to apologize for making you cry earlier, about the cookies. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything," explained Gray quickly.

Juvia shrieked again.

Mira just laughed. "It's okay; you were actually right about the cookies. I tried one and I couldn't even finish it. They were terrible."

Juvia screamed a third time. "JUVIA'S SO CONFUSED! HER HONEYSICKLE IS GIVING ANOTHER WOMAN FLOWERS? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? ANOTHER POSSIBLE RIVAL IN LOVE?! JUVIA IS NOT READY FOR A SECOND!"

"You don't even have a first," called Lucy, who Juvia considered her first "rival in love", from the opposite side of the room.

"SHUT UP, LOVE RIVAL! CAN'T YOU SEE JUVIA IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THIS LOVE TRIANGLE? OR SQUARE?"

Mira took a long whiff of the roses. "They smell so wonderful—ACHOO! Excuse me. I just—ACHOO! I—ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!"

"Mira! Mira, are you okay?" asked Gray, a little startled.

"Yes," sniffled Mira after getting a hold of herself, "I think I might be allergic to the roses—"

Gray snatched them away from her in less than a millisecond. "Sorry, sorry! I didn't know," he apologized quickly, "let me run out to the store and buy you some more flowers…."

Juvia shrieked a fourth time.

"Would you shut the fuck up already?" Gajeel barked at her.

"No, it's fine. I—ACHOO!" Mira sniffled, her nose rosy and eyes kind of puffy. "I appreciate the thought, however. Now if you'd excuse me, I have a lot of work to get done." She gave him a final cheery beam.

"Well, we can all agree that was a fail," announced Gajeel with a taunting smile as Gray sulked back over to them.

"Thanks a lot, Gildarts," hissed Gray, letting go of the flowers and letting them fall to the floor in front of Gildarts's feet.

"How was I supposed to know she was allergic?! And okay, so what I was wrong that _one_ time? I was still able to hit the nail on the head with Lucy."

"You might want to think again," said Lily, his eyes locked on Lucy, who was storming over to them with a scary facial expression.

"Natsu! Happy!" she roared. "You two've done it now!" Her face was unnaturally red.

" _It's Lucy!"_ shrieked Natsu and Happy, looking utterly terrified. "Why does she look like that? I thought we were good now!" Natsu was literally panicking. "Gildarts, I thought you said—"

He was cut off as Lucy hurled the book they'd given her straight at him. It hit him dead in the forehead and he fell to the floor with a _thump_.

"You dumb pervert!" Lucy yelled at him, stomping over and kicking him in the side as he lay on the floor, momentarily knocked out. "Who do you think I am? Some kind of pervert like you? I don't appreciate this _at all!_ " She kicked him again. "You can have your stupid book back; I don't want it. And I'm taking back my apology; I should've known this was some kind of joke!"

Everyone just watched as she gave Natsu one final kick before she turned and stalked away.

"What just happened?" asked Elfman, blinking.

Gajeel laughed smugly. "Gildarts's plan just backfired. THAT'S what happened."

"B-But I don't understand." Gildarts was confused. "That was supposed to work. That _should've_ worked."

Lily shrugged. "Maybe she didn't like the book."

Gray picked the book up and opened to a random page. He read it for a while and then his eyes literally popped out of his head. "Holy shit! Gildarts, you idiot! Do you know what this is?! Elfman, read this."

Elfman took the novel. He wasn't even done with the first paragraph before his face turned red. "Th-this book is too manly, even for me."

"No, it's too _suggestive._ This is an _erotica_. Gildarts got Lucy a book about _sex,"_ said Gray, " _that's_ why she's so offended."

Gildarts was still confused. "That doesn't make sense. I read it myself. It isn't bad."

"Yeah, that's because you're a pervy old man," spoke up Gajeel with a smirk, "of course _you'd_ like it. Lucy, on the other hand, not so much. She's a girl and girls aren't as… _comfortable_ with that topic as guys. She got the wrong idea when the Salamander gave her that pervy book. So it looks like your little strategy didn't work after all."

 **Gildarts: 0, Gajeel: 0**

"Gildarts, you moron!" Natsu jumped up to his feet, angry. "You just made things worse! Now Lucy hates us even more than she did before."

Gildarts didn't say anything.

"Ha, looks like Old Gildarts doesn't know a _thing_ about chicks after all," said Gajeel smugly, "you already failed with both Strauss and Heartfilia—I wouldn't even _suggest_ bothering with Scarlet. Since it's obvious you don't know the fuck you're doin', it's _my_ turn to step in."

 **The Gajeel Way: EVERYONE!**

Gajeel cracked his knuckles dramatically. "Okay, time to get down to business. _Salamander_."

"What?" Natsu looked and sounded annoyed.

You screwed up by letting Old Man Gildarts—"

"For the last time, I'm not _that_ old."

"—try and fix your problem. Just tell that to Heartfilia and she'll understand. Girls always value honesty. And if that still doesn't work, give her something she'll value even more: a foot massage."

"What? No way," protested Natsu and Happy.

"And you say _my_ methods were bad," scoffed Gildarts, "no woman wants _Natsu_ touching her feet. Hell, _I_ wouldn't want Natsu touching my feet and I'm a _man."_

"Yeah, well who asked you?" growled Gajeel, "just trust me on this one, Salamander. It's not like you got anything better anyway. _Elfman._ Your situation is different. I know I said girls value the truth but with Scarlet, that just ain't gonna cut it. In order to get out of this mess, you're going to have to lie."

"But that is _unmanly_."

"You really don't have a choice, unless you want Scarlet breathin' down your neck about this for the next year or two. She likes cheesecake, right? Then all you need to do is give her one. Knowing you, you probably don't have the skills to _bake_ one—"

"Baking is not manly."

"—so you're just gonna have to buy one and hope that does it. Knowing Scarlet, she'll never know the difference."

"Yeah, but he'll _really_ be fucked if Erza finds out the truth," pointed out Gajeel , "his whole _face_ is gonna be mangled."

"Like Gajeel said: this is _Erza_ ," piped up Happy, "she'll never know the difference. Erza isn't that bright."

"Shh! Are you crazy?" hissed Natsu, shooting a sharp look at Happy. "She could be lurking around here somewhere. If she hears you, you'll be pounded into ground cat meat."

"Moving on. Fullbuster, you basically made things worse for yourself. Mira was fine about the thing with the cookies but now that you've triggered her allergies—"

"That was _Gildarts's_ fault." Gray shot a glare at Gildarts, who threw his hands up innocently.

"For the last time, I didn't know she was allergic!"

"Regardless, the stripper has to take responsibility for it. That's why he's gonna—"

"I'm not giving her a massage," warned Gray.

"I wasn't going to tell you to! I was _gonna_ say that you gotta do the rest of her chores for the day."

" _Hell_ no! She only sneezed a little, that's it!"

"Oh, yeah?" Gajeel jerked his head toward the bar, where Mira was working. Her face was completely broken out with small red bumps. "You did way more than make her sneeze. And calm down. I'm not telling you to be her personal bitch or anything. It's toward the end of the day, so she probably doesn't have that much stuff left anyway. She'll think you're being responsible and your chances of being choked to death tonight will be reduced by one hundred percent."

Gildarts laughed. "All that sounds even more retarded than what I suggested. Your methods are going to fail even more than mine did."

"Is that _another_ wager I hear?" Gajeel didn't miss a beat. "How about this, old man—"

" _I'm not old."_

"Whatever. If the Gajeel Way doesn't work, I'll buy you ice cream for a _week._ But if it _does,_ you'll supply me with all the nails and screws I want for a week. So what do ya say? Do we have another bet?"

"Hmm. That depends. Can I get _any_ flavor of ice cream?"

"Yes."

"Even rainbow swirl?"

"Yes, you moron."

"It's a deal, then."

* * *

As soon as Lucy opened the door to step out of the ladies' room, the first and only thing she saw was Natsu pouncing at her. "LUCY!"

Lucy slammed the door closed just in time. There was a loud _thud_ as Natsu landed against the other side and Lucy opened the door again to find Natsu stuck on the other side, face-flat. "Stay away from me?" snapped Lucy, walking away as Natsu peeled himself off the door.

"Lucy, wait!" he called after her.

Lucy chose to ignore him, her cheeks burning. There was no way she was falling for his tricks again. She nearly died of embarrassment when she discovered the "thoughtful" gift he'd given her with an _erotica._ Lucy had never felt so disrespected in her life.

Natsu suddenly ran in her front of her, making her stop short. "Lucy, just listen to me for a second." Lucy tried to walk around him, but he leapt in her way again. "I can explain everything."

"I don't want to hear it," said Lucy firmly, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm done with you and Happy. Where is that little blue cat anyway?" Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted him cowering behind a shelf. Even he knew not to mess with her when she was pissed. "What you did was _totally_ insulting."

"Hey, that wasn't our fault! We had no idea that book was an Erica—"

" _Erotica,_ you moron, _"_ corrected Lucy, a vein bulging in her forehead.

"Yeah, that. We didn't know because _Gildarts_ picked out the book."

"Gildarts? Yeah, right. I'm not stupid, Natsu. Blaming somebody else for your—"

"No, it's true! Think about it, Lucy. Happy and me don't even _read_ , so how would we know to pick out an Erica?"

" _Erotica_!"

"That's what I said! Gildarts told us you'd like that book. At first, I was gonna buy you some book called the _Tortoise and the Hare—_ "

"You were going to give me a book for little kids? Somehow, that's even _worse_."

"The thing is, Happy and I are totally innocent here. Gildarts was the one who chose the Erica— _erotica_. Not us. He told us it'd make you happy so we got it."

Lucy stared at him suspiciously. "You're not lying to me, are you?"

"Of course I'm not! Would I ever lie to you?"

"Yes."

Well, I'm not now! What do you want me to do to prove it? I'm desperate, so I'll do anything. I'll even…" He hesitated.

"You'll even _what_?" Lucy narrowed her eyes.

"I'll even give you…a foot massage."

Lucy was taken aback. "Whoa. You _are_ desperate. But that's a bit weird. Why the heck do you want to touch my _feet_? You don't have a feet fetish, do you?"

"What? The hell's a fetish? Whatever it is, no. I'm only offering it to you because Gajeel told me it'd make you happy."

Something inside of Lucy softened. Natsu really asked around, huh? He must've really wanted her forgiveness. "Okay, fine. I'll forgive you. When you think about it, you really are too stupid to purposely pick up an erotica. Just don't do anything like that again."

"Anything you say, Luce." Natsu gave her a goofy and relived grin. Just as he was about to walk away, Lucy grabbed the end of his scarf.

"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going? What about my foot massage?" she snapped.

Natsu went white. "Uh…"

 **O~O**

"Mira!"

Mira turned around just as Gray was nearing the bar again. "Hi, Gray! Gray startled when he saw all the hives on her face. She looked even worse up close.

"I'm so sorry," he said apologetically, "I didn't know they'd make you look THIS bad. You were only near them for like…ten seconds. I got rid of them as soon as…WHAT THE HECK?" That was when he noticed a vase of flowers setting on the bar. They looked like the _exact_ kind Mira was allergic to. "How'd these get back here?!"

"Once you left, Juvia coincidentally came in with the same flowers," explained Mira, "she thought the guild looked a little bleak, and she thought these would make the place look a little bit livelier. She said they went nicely on the bar, so I didn't bother moving them."

Gray's jaw dropped. He turned around to see Juvia watching the both of them. Just watching, face completely blank. She did that on purpose! She knew Mira was allergic to those flowers, so she intentionally placed a vase-full nearby Mira. "Wait, so it's _not_ my fault you're face is so…um…"

Mira laughed. "Of course not, silly. Why would you think that?" Gray sighed in relief. So he was out of the woods. He was going to get suffocated by a demoness in his sleep after all. "Hey, Gray?" Mira tilted her head to the side.

"Where are your clothes?"

 **O~O**

"You idiot! The hell do you think you're doing?" demanded Gajeel, jumping in front of Elfman out of nowhere.

Elfman startled. "What does it look like? And were you _following_ me? How UNMANLY." Just now, Elfman had been on his way into a fancy bakery in Magnolia Town until Gajeel and Lily appeared out of thin air.

"You can't buy the cake from there," scolded Gajeel, "it'll be too perfect and professional and Scarlet will _really_ get suspicious."

Elfman froze. "Oh, yeah."

"You gotta buy it from somewhere that doesn't specialize in desserts; somewhere where the cake will just barely be quality. If it's too good Scarlet will definitely suspect you didn't make it."

"Yes, but he's trying to get on her _good_ side, remember?" reminded Lily, "he has to give Ezra something that will make her forgive him, so it has to be a little bit better than decent."

"But not _too_ decent. He needs to buy it someplace that doesn't overdo it," said Gajeel, "somewhere will it'll just barely be quality. Oh, wait. I got it. _Follow me."_

 **-a few minutes later-**

"You dumbass. Don't get that one. Are you _trying_ to be obvious?" hissed Gajeel, slapping Elfman's hand before he could pick a packaged cheesecake out of the refrigerated pastry case. "It's too neat. Get _that_ one." He pointed to another strawberry cheesecake with crooked strawberries. They and Lily were standing in the bakery section of the local supermarket, debating over which cake Elfman should get.

"No, that one looks too sloppy," argued Lily from the arms of Gajeel, "get _that_ one. The strawberries look much fresher."

" _Too_ fresh. _Elfman's_ supposed to have made it."

"So? Ripe strawberries will add to the overall taste of the cake," said Lily, "then Erza will think Elfman put a lot of thought and sincerity into it."

Elfman opened his mouth to say something, but Gajeel cut him off. "Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Fruit Fetish but have you forgotten? Elfman doesn't put thought into _anything_. It'll look too over-the-top. He needs _this_ one."

"No, it looks near-expired. _That_ one is much fresher," said Lily, pointing downward at a cake. "Considering the whole fiasco happened yesterday, Elfman just had to have made Erza's cake, meaning it has to be _fresh_."

At this point, the other shoppers were staring at them, most likely because a studded-up teen was arguing with a little black cat over a _cheesecake_ and was accompanied by an unnaturally, freakishly bulky young man with a black eye. But none of them seemed to notice the attention they were getting.

"How about we just let _Elfman_ decide which cake to get?" suggested Lily, "since _his_ fate relies on it."

"Good idea," snorted Gajeel, "so what will it be, Strauss?"

"Whichever one looks the most MANLY," said Elfman, picking up the different cake he'd been eyeing all along.

"Okay, so we got the cake. Let's scram all ready," snapped Gajeel.

 **Not long later….**

By the time they got back to Fairy Tail, Elfman was sweating nervously and profusely. "I don't think this is a good idea," he gulped as they strolled through the pair of doors and into the main hall. He looked down at the strawberry cheesecake he held. On their way here, they'd dropped by Strauss's place to drop it on a plate (they'd be dumb as fuck to bring it back still in its store packaging).

"Why are you just saying that _now_? You've already bought the cake and everything," said Gajeel half-heartedly, his eyes scanning the room for the others. Natsu and the dumb blue cat were nowhere to be seen—Lucy was gone too—and Gray was at the bar with Gildarts, who was over having beergasms at the bar. He then spotted Erza sitting toward the back, engrossed in one of those girly magazines. "Look, there's Scarlet. Just walk over, say your piece, give her the cake, go on with your life. It ain't hard. Just _don't_ give yourself away." And with that, he shoved Elfman toward Erza.

After muttering goodbye to everything he loved (just in case he didn't make it out fo this one alive), Elfman shakily walked over to the redhead. Upon seeing him, Erza quickly put away her magazine—almost like she was embarrassed to be seen reading it—and glared at him. "What do _you_ want?"

 _C'mon, Elfman. Be like a true MAN._ Elfman managed to swallow his fear and dared to take another step closer. "Uh, I made this for you, Erza!" He bowed his head with dramatic respect, holding out the platter of cheesecake.

Erza's gaze pierced him like one hundred knives. " _You_ made that?"

"Er, yes. As an apology for eating your other one."

"Hmm…" Erza didn't look like she bought it. Oh crap. Elfman was a dead man for sure. Just when he was sure Erza was about to pound him into the ground, the redhead called out to his sister. "Mirajane!"

"Yes, Erza?"

"Did your brother actually make this with his own two hands?" Erza snatched the cake from Elfman and held it up for Mira to see.

Yep, Elfman was definitely dead. He shot his sister a pleading look. Mira stared at him for a second before smiling broad. "Yep. Elfman totally made that all by himself. He spent a few hours on it. Should've seen our kitchen. It looked like a mess." She gave Elfman a wink.

It felt a boulder was lifted off Elfman's shoulders. He could always count on Mira to help him in his time of need. But he never expected his innocent sister to tell a lie, especially to Erza.

Erza looked just as surprised as him. "O-oh. Alright then. Thank you for the cake, Elfman. Since you've worked so hard, I will not allow your cake to go to rest."

Elfman bowed his head. "Thank you, Erza!" And then he got the hell out of there. He sped back over to Gajeel, who was leaning against the bar. At the same time, Natsu and Happy were entering the guild, looking tired as fuck.

"How'd it go with Heartfilia?" asked Gajeel.

"Great, I guess. We spent the past hour giving her a massage," said Happy, landing and collapsing on the surface of the bar. "It feels like my arms are about to fall off."

"Tell me about it," groaned Natsu, plopping down onto a stool. "But at least she ain't mad at us anymore."

"Yes. It seems all is resolved." Lily looked relieved.

"All of my theories worked, which proves _I'm_ the only girl expert here," declared Gajeel with a proud grin, "and we all know what that means."

"Hold on. Your little 'theory' on Mira didn't work," reminded Gildarts, finally taking his mouth off the rim of his bottle of beer.

"Yeah, because the rain woman was responsible for her hives, not the stripper. And c'mon. Two out of three. That's better than your zero out of three. And since _I_ got more points, not only do I get to man girlology, _you_ earn me a meal's worth of screws and nails for the rest of the week."

Gildarts sighed, giving in. "Alright, fine. You get to be in charge of girlology. That's actually okay with me. Less of a headache for me."

"Hold on, gramps. Now that we know you're also an idiot when it comes to chicks, you're not excused from girl education. You gotta sit your ass through it like everybody else."

" _What?_ No fair! I'm a grown-ass man! I shouldn't have to—"

"Stuff it. You're comin' whether you like it or not. I'm only doing you a favor. I'm doing _all_ of you a favor. Girls are a science. In order to understand them, you have to observe, analysis, and investigate them."

"Don't all of those words mean the same thing?" pointed out Lily.

Gajeel ignored him. "Luckily for you, I've already done it all and know everything complicated there is to girls. Forget everything you know— _think_ you know about women. You don't know shit—only I do. And starting here on out, I'm gonna pass my knowledge on to you no-brains. And as my first order of business, I'm changing the name of our sessions. Girlology sounds too retarded—starting now, we're calling it by a better, more bad-ass name: **Gajeel's Guide to Girls."**


	2. Fact 1: They're Sensitive About Sex

**Decided to add in some pairings, mostly canon. I'm not really a big fan of NaLu and GaLe (that's right, right?), but I'm going to try my hand at them anyway. Wish me luck! Sorry if this chapter sucks. I rushed it (AGAIN!)**

 **Fairy Tail Confession #1: I legit know NOTHING bout Fairy Tail. I've never watched a full episode and I skipped though most of the manga. I just barely know the characters.  
**

* * *

"Hey, Lucy! Wanna be my friend with benefits?"

Lucy, who'd been peacefully sipping her orange juice up until that moment, spat out a mouthful of OJ in surprise, spraying Gajeel, who happened to be sitting at the table right across from her enjoying his breakfast of nuts and bolts (courtesy of Gildarts). And so another abnormal day at Fairy Tail began.

" _What?"_ shrieked Lucy, whirling around in her seat to face Natsu, who was standing in front of her with a goofy grin on his face.

"Aw, what the fuck," swore Gajeel, jumping up as the combination of orange juice and Lucy's spit soaked his hair and face and dripped onto his clothes. "Fucking disgusting!"

Lucy wasn't paying attention to him. She was too busy staring at Natsu in disbelief. " _What_ did you just ask me?" she demanded.

" _I said_ wanna be my friend with benefits? Yeesh, get your ears checked."

Lucy's mouth dropped open. So she _hadn't_ heard wrong, much to her dismay. _"NO!"_ she shouted, channeling a big wave of energy into her leg and using it to kick Natsu straight in the _nuts._ Natsu howled in pain and immediately fell onto the ground.

"CRAP, MY BALLS!" he shouted, squeezing his legs together. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"You dumb pervert! Don't you _ever_ ask me questions like that again," fumed Lucy, giving him one last kick in the side before storming off. Across the room, Gray and Elfman started laughing like crazy.

"I can't believe that dumbass actually did it," laughed Gray, playfully slapping Elfman on the back as they both doubled over with hysterical laughter.

"You dumbasses set me up!" Natsu barked at them, struggling to get back up. He just ended up on the ground again. "SHIT, I can't move! HAPPY! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. I NEED HELP."

Grumbling and wiping himself off with a convenient stack of napkins, Gajeel walked by fucked-up Natsu and over to the table the pair was sitting at as Happy flew over to Natsu's rescue. "What the hell was that about?" he grunted.

"We…we tricked Natsu into asking Lucy to be his friend with benefits," Gray managed to explain in between laughs. "That idiot doesn't even know what that means! Now Lucy hates him all over again."

Gajeel facepalmed. "Dumbass. _Right_ when I fixed things between 'em he just _had_ to go and ask for sex. Ugh, I guess I gotta talk some sense into him. Gather the other guys and meet me in the basement. It's time for our first session of Gajeel's Guide to Girls."

 **-A few minutes later-**

 _Gajeel's Guide to Girls, Session 1_

 **Present: Elfman Strauss, Happy the Exceed, Natsu Dragneel,  
Gray Fullbuster, Panther Lily (Pantherlily? Panther-Lily?) the Exceed**

"Where the hell is Gildarts's big ass?" asked Gajeel impatiently, sitting on his stool after pulling out the trust whiteboard.

This time, everyone was seated in chairs around him. Gray, who looked bored already, shrugged. "He was getting drunk at the bar last I saw. He said he'd be down in five minutes."

"It's been _ten._ We're not waitin' on him anymore. Let's just go ahead and leap into this shit. _Salamander._ So I hear ya asked Lucy to be your FWB a few minutes ago."

Natsu, who had to be flown down into the basement by Happy, raised an eyebrow in confusion. "FWB?"

"Friend with benefits, ya moron."

"Oh, right. What does that even _mean_? And why did Lucy have to kick me in the nuts for asking?" Gray and Elfman started snickering all over again.

Gajeel rolled his eyes. "You really are a fool, ain't ya? When two people wanna be friends with benefits, they basically wanna sleep with each other casually, no strings attached."

Natsu wrinkled his nose. "What's wrong with that? I sleep with Happy all the time."

Record scratch.

Happy nodded. "It's true. We sleep together practically every night. It makes me feel better."

 _WHAT THE FUCK!_

No one was expecting _that._ Elfman started choking on his spit, Gray fell backward in his chair, Lily awkwardly scooted away from Happy, and Gajeel got this really disturbed look on his face.

"Why do you all look you wanna barf?" asked Natsu. "Was it something I said?"

"What the _hell_ do you think?" barked Gray, sitting up. "You just admitted to sleeping with your _cat_. That's weird as _fuck_."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," gagged Elfman, doubling over and clenching his stomach. "Doing such repulsive things with a cat, how _umanly._ "

"And fucking disgusting," added Gray, glaring at the pink-haired dragon slayer like he'd just admitted to doing something bizarre like sleeping with his cat or something. Wait. _Oh._ The ice mage shot Gajeel a sharp look. "Are _you_ doing your cat too?" he snapped.

"What? _NO_ ," Gajeel and Lily snapped back simultaneously, _"Fuck no,"_ spat Gajeel. "That's freakin' animal abuse. And I'm talkin' about _both_ of 'em."

"Hey, did you just call me an animal?" demanded Natsu.

"You're sleepin' with a cat! Damn straight you're an animal!"

"Fight me!" Natsu tried to stand up, but his balls were still too sore. He winced and fell back into the chair. "Just wait a few minutes until I can stand back up then you're _really_ in trouble."

"Don't fucking touch me, weirdo. I don't want your cat-fucking hands on me!" Gajeel slid back on his stool, hissing warningly. Elfman and Gray also inched away from Natsu in their seats, creating a wide berth between them.

"I don't see what the damn problem is," insisted Natsu, "Happy has nightmares a lot so I let him sleep with me so he won't be up all night muttering about a demon fish or something."

Happy shivered. "The demon fish haunts my dreams a lot. He's a vile creature who eats cats for dinner."

Everyone froze and stared, realization dawning over them. _OOOOOOH._ "Wait. So you mean you sleep with Happy as in _actual_ sleep? Close-your-eyes-and-have-dreams sleep?" demanded Gray.

Natsu stared at Gray like he was a moron. "Uh, _yeah._ What other kind of sleep is there?"

The others exhaled in relief. "I should've known Natsu was too dumb to know what I was talkin' about," sighed Gajeel, "Salamander, when people say they 'sleep' together, they rarely mean they actual slept together. They're sayin' they had _sex_ with each other."

There was a moment of silence as Natsu processed this information. _"OOOHHHH,"_ he said at last, " _now_ I get it. Wait. So that means I asked Lucy to— _AHH!_ GRAY, ELFMAN. THE HELL DID YOU TWO ASSHOLES MAKE ME DO?" He jumped up, ready to scorch someone with his Flame. Unfortunately, he had forgotten he was still feeling a bit weird in between his legs. "SHIT, IT STILL HURTS," he yelped in pain, quickly sitting his ass back down. "I don't wanna do _THAT_ with Lucy!"

"Yeah, well now she thinks you do," said Gajeel, "that brings us to my very first fact about girls:

 **#1- They're sensitive about sex**

"Sex is a really delicate subject for women," explained Gajeel, "probably one of the most. They're _never_ open about it and asking them for it—or even _mentioning_ it—is probably one of the worst mistakes a guy could ever make—besides asking if she's on her period. Never, and I mean _never_ ,ask a girl if she's on her period. No shit, you'll be fifty shades of fucked up. But anyway, back to sex. That's a really weird and awkwardtopic for girls, even though they want it just as much as us guys—"

"Wait, now hold on a minute. I refuse to be lumped in with you repulsive humans," cut in Panther Lily firmly.

"C'mon now, Lily. You can't tell me you haven't thought of screwin' Carla," smirked Gajeel, referring to the female Exceed who was the panther of the Wendy Marvell, Fairy Tail's young Sky Dragon Slayer.

Happy shrieked in horror and Lily's chubby little cat cheeks just blushed. "I am a warrior. I do not think of such… _vulgar_ things," he insisted, crossing his arms and looking away with a flushed face.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Gajeel just rolled his eyes. "As I was sayin', chicks are really conscious and emotional about the topic of intimacy. For men, sex is just sex. But with women, it's way more than that. It's not a subject they take lightly. That's why Heartfilia spat all over me when the Salamander asked her to have sex with him."

Natsu growled at him. "What were you doing sitting with her anyway?"

"What's wrong, Salamander? Jealous?"

"Tch, no. Whatever. Just keep talkin'."

"Well, for starters, it makes them feel exposed. It also makes them self-conscious, especially of their body, which is one the main thing most girls are insecure of—"

"Wait, hold on. That can't be right. There's no way Lucy's insecure about her body," cut in Natsu, shaking his head. "Not prancin' around in those tiny outfits. Nah, I'd say she's pretty damn confident."

Gray smirked. "He's got a good point. Practically every girl in this guild displays herself in some kind of…revealing manner. Even Mira likes showing off her cleavage, and she's the most innocent one. And don't even get me started on Satan Soul." Elfman glared at Gray. Gray ignored him.

"Yeah. Cana's always goin' around in a bikini top like she's at the beach or something," added Natsu, "half her junk is hangin' out. And we're not even gonna talk about Lucy." He reconsidered it. "Wait, let's _definitely_ talk about Lucy. She's got the biggest melons out of all of 'em and she obviously likes showing 'em off. That's why guys are always starin'."

"And also why _you're_ always grabbing." Gray casted a smirk at Natsu. "Don't act like you don't know. You're touching Lucy's boobs at least once a week."

"Yeah, on _accident._ Well, okay, _sometimes_ I touch 'em on purpose but who _hasn't_ touched 'em at one point?" Gray, Gajeel, Elfman, and Lily all raised their hand. Natsu didn't look bothered to be proven wrong. "Good. 'Cuz I was gonna kick your ass if you have."

"Why? Because you _love_ her?" teased Gray.

"What? No! Shut up, ice prick."

"Denying your true feelings. How unmanly." Elfman shook his head like he was disappointed.

"You shut up too, Elfman. You don't hear me goin' around talkin' about you and Evergreen, now do ya?" Whoa. Way to put Elfman on the spot.

Elfman went red against his will. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't act dumb. She's got big, nice, shiny, _bouncy_ chest too and likes flashin' 'em around, especially around _you_. You can't pretend like you haven't noticed."

"Shut up! Why did you have to describe them like that, you pervert?"

"I was just tryin' to get a reaction out of ya. And it looks like I did, which proves my point."

"Quiet! You don't know _anything_!" barked Elfman.

Gajeel snorted. "Ain't that the truth."

"Hey, watch it, Gajeel! And I _do_ know something. I know you wanna suck on Evergreen's chest, Elfman."

"I thought I told you to shut up!"

"Yeah, quit your yappin', Salamander. As I was sayin', girls are very weird about sex. They're not really comfortable with—"

"That can't be true," butted in Gray, "you know that sexy book Gildarts picked out for Lucy? Yesterday, I saw Erzawalk off with it. _Erza._ And she was really into it too."

"Yeah, well what do you expect from Scarlet, the same woman who wears skimpy _everything_ , even armor?" asked Gajeel, "practically all of her armors show off a little tit-age—"

" _Tit-age?"_ repeated Gray, wrinkling his nose. "Did you _seriously_ just say _tit-age_?"

Gajeel ignored him. "—which is ironic because the point of armor is to _cover_ yourself, boobs included. Havin' 'em out all the time kinda defeats the purpose. I never understood why her enemies never went for the tits since they're always exposed. They're huge and just _scream_ weak-spot. But the point is, Scarlet is just a sexual kind of woman. Hell, that's obvious considering she's got no problem going around butt- _naked._ She ain't afraid of a little—or a lot—of skinship."

"Stop making words up." Gray rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, but even still I bet no one's touched Erza's chest," giggled Happy devilishly.

"Of course not. You'll die," said Gray matter-of-factly.

"Because even as sexual Scarlet is, she's still sensitive about sexual contact like any other girl," stated Gajeel, "they're all like that. To be honest, they're really backwards when it comes to this stuff. They act all shy and weird over the thought of sex, but ultimately like wearing stuff that'll attract a guy in that manner because they know that's what we like. Why do you think the stripper isn't with the rain woman yet? She doesn't show her stuff enough."

"Whoa whoa whoa. That is _not_ the reason," snapped Gray.

"Whatever, stripper. You know the whole reason you're not with Juvia is because she ain't showin' enough boobs for you."

Lily snorted in disgust. "Is this all humans think and talk about?"

"Pretty much," said Happy.

"What about Levy?" retaliated Gray.

"What _about_ her? She doesn't have tits."

"Oh, don't tell me you don't find her cute anyway."

Gajeel refused to show any signs of emotion that'd prove Gray right. "Like I said earlier. She doesn't have tits. Enough about this. Let's just get back to the damned lesson."

* * *

Lucy Heartfilia was horrified.

She was hiding out on the basement steps listening to what Natsu and the other guys were talking about. And frankly, she couldn't believe her ears. They'd already been in mid-conversation when she decided to eavesdrop and she discovered right off the bat they were talking about _her_ , specifically her chest. And then to make things worse they started verbally perving on the other girls too.

Is that what did behind their backs? Fantasy and talk about them inappropriately? And why the heck were they discussing sex? This was just too much to handle. Lucy had to tell—w _arn_ the other girls that they were the subjects of the guys' perverted discussions. Right as she was turning around to proceed up the stairs and back onto the main level, the door suddenly swung open and Gildarts appeared at the top of the stairs.

His eyes were glassy and he looked unsteady. He was drunk. "Oh, hey. You're the new girl," he said, "what's your name? Lucia?"

" _Lucy."_

"Right, right. So I hear you're into Natsu, huh?"

A vein bulged in Lucy's forehead. "No. I'm _not._ I'm not into him. _"_ Why did everyone think that?

Gildarts smirked. "That's what they all say."

And then he fell down the stairs. No lie, he legit missed the first step somehow and ended up tumbling down them all. He fell straight past Lucy, landing at the bottom of the stairs on his stomach.

"Uh, are you okay?" Lucy called down. He didn't move. _Riiiight._ Forgetting about Gildarts, Lucy turned and dashed up the stairs. She had to talk to the girls ASAP.

* * *

The first session of Gajeel's Guide to Girls got interrupted _again_ when a wasted-ass Gildarts fell down the stairs.

"Is he alright?" asked Lily, cautiously poking Gildarts's side.

"Yo, Gildarts. You okay?" Natsu bent down and slapped the older man's cheek. The guy didn't even flinch. "He's out cold."

"That's what his drunk ass gets," snorted Gajeel, "but it kinda sucks because I needed him conscious for something."

"Exactly what was it you were you planning?" Gray eyed Gajeel suspiciously.

"Nothing much. I was just gonna get the old man to go out and ask random women for sex."

Now everyone was looking at him. "The hell? Are you trying to get him arrested?" snapped Elfman.

"No, it was to prove that my fact about girls and sex. But it doesn't really matter now since the idiot's knocked out."

"Why don't you just ask the girls?" suggested Natsu.

"Have you learned nothing?" deadpanned Elfman. "They'd never talk to us again."

Gajeel nodded. "Yeah. Besides, all of them are obviously virgins."

"How do you know?" demanded Gray.

"It's obvious."

"What's a virgin?" asked Natsu and Happy simultaneously, being the stereotypical dumb boy and cat they were.

Gray groaned. "Why am I not surprised? Seriously, Natsu, why don't you know shit? I'm getting tired of explaining stuff to you."

"Then for once we're not gonna tell him anything," said Gajeel with a devilishly grin. "Salamander wants to know what a virgin is? Then he'll just have to ask the biggest virgin we know."

* * *

"Lucy! What is the meaning of this?" demanded Erza, bringing her fist down on the table. The wood cracked underneath her hand. "Why have you assembled us on such short notice? I demand to know. Some of us have more important things to do." She, Cana Alberona, Mirajane, Levy McGarden, and Juvia were all seated around one of the tables on the main level, staring at Lucy expectantly.

Lucy took a deep breath. "Okay, get this: this morning, Natsu asked if I wanted to be his _friend with benefits_."

The other girls gasped in horror/surprise. They were so shocked Cana even put down her barrel of beer. "Wait. _Natsu_ asked you that?" she asked, stunned. She smirked. "It's about damn time. I was wondering when he'd give in. Good from him! You said yes, right?"

"No _! Of course I didn't!"_

Cana looked disappointed. "That's a shame. I mean, how many times has he touched your boobs already? The guy's obviously has the hots for you—ha, pun intended."

"Shut up! I never _willingly_ let him touch me like a perv. Besides, _you've_ probably touched my boobs just as much!"

"Somebody probably put him up to it," stated Erza matter-of-factly, "Natsu's far too ignorant to even know what such a thing means."

"There's more. He went downstairs and started perving on us with the other guys. They were talking about our chest, our clothes, and _everything_."

"What do you expect? They're guys. They're always thinking about that kind of stuff," said Cana simply, going back to her beer.

Juvia's hopeful eyes widened. "Did Gray-sama say anything about Juvia?"

Lucy nodded. "I thought it was just Natsu, but he's a huge pervert too. Gajeel says the only reason Gray isn't dating you is because you don't enough of your body to get his attention."

Juvia gasped. "So _that's_ what Juvia was doing wrong. Gray-sama is into showing his body off, so he would obviously like a girl who does the same. That's why he's interested in Lucy."

"How many times do I have to tell you we're not into each other?! And you aren't thinking of going around naked, are you?"

Levy cleared her throat. "So, uh, did anyone say anything about me?" she asked, "not that I really care. I'm just curious."

"When Gray asked Gajeel if he was interested you he just said you didn't have boobs."

Levy looked disappointed for a second and then insulted. "That jerk. Doesn't he know a girl's chest isn't everything? Yeesh, what a pervert…"

"Gajeel said the most about Erza," continued Lucy, "about her chest and how all of her armor was revealing and how she looks skimpy all the time. _His_ words, _not_ mine. _NOT_ mine."

" _What?"_ roared Erza, outraged. "He said that about me? How said I looked _skimpy_ , of all things? How _dare_ he—"

Erza was interrupted when Natsu yelled at them from across the room. "YO! Erza! I have a question."

 **-A few minutes ago-**

"Hey, Laxus? Are you a virgin?"

All four heads at the Thunder God Tribe's table turned and stared at Natsu. Freed Justine, who'd been peacefully drinking a glass of water up until then, spat out a mouthful of water in surprise, spraying Evergreen, who was seated at the table across from him. She scowled in disgust, her light brown hair dripping all over the floor and table. "Freed!"

Freed was too busy getting offended as if Natsu had asked _him_. "How dare you!" he said angrily, his cheeks blushed and voice really high. "Laxus does not have to—"

Natsu punched him in the face with a fiery fist. "Shut up, loser. I asked Laxus."Bickslow let out a manically laugh as Freed fell to the ground with a burnt cheek.

Laxus Dreyar, the Lighting Dragon slayer and leader of the four-man Thunder God Tribe, sifted his gaze between Natsu, Gajeel, Elfman, and the Exceeds and raised a suspicious, blond eyebrow. "What are you guys up to this time?"

"None of your business. Just answer the question, dammit."

"It's none of _your_ business. Why do you even wanna know?" Laxus didn't look a bit freaked out, or even uncomfortable. In fact, he even looked a little bored.

Gajeel smirked. "You're basically just admittin' you're a virgin," he said tauntingly. He patted Laxus on the head mockingly, making Freed gasp in disgust. "Now now, no reason to be ashamed about it. Elfman, the stripper and Salamander here are virgins too. You're all in the same boat."

Apparently, that was news to Laxus. "Hm? So you're telling me you and Evergreen _still_ haven't banged yet?" he asked, glancing up at Elfman. "Damn, you guys are hopeless."

" _What?"_ cried out Elfman and Evergreen at the same time. Their eyes locked for a second and they immediately looked away in embarrassment.

"I-I need to go dry off," said Evergreen quickly, rising from the table and rushing off.

"Who gives a crap about them? Just answer the damn question, jerk. _Are you a virgin?_ " repeated Natsu, irritated.

"How dare you ask Laxus such inappropriate things!" snapped Freed, picking himself off the ground and clenching his shaky fists. "Our Laxus does not owe you an answer, especially one of such repulsive sorts."

"Shut up, Freed. No one asked you," barked Natsu.

"Yeah, greenie. You're probably the biggest virgin out of all of 'em," added Gajeel.

Freed's face was as red as a tomato. "What did you just say to me, Gajeel? How dare you try to use our purity against us. I'll have you know being pure is nothing to be ashamed of. You have no right to make fun of Laxus's and I's honor—"

Laxus glanced at his mint-haired bodyguard/comrade. "Calm down, man. I'm not a virgin anyway."

And it was at that moment Freed's world fell apart. "H-huh?" was all he could stammer, his body suddenly coated in sweat and trembling madly. He was white like a ghost, frozen with shock. He stared at Laxus at in horror/sadness/anger/sadness/jealousy. All of those mixed emotions combined into one expression looked hella creepy.

"Dude, you seriously didn't know that?" laughed Bickslow. "Our Laxus is like…a chick magnet."

"Yeah, Freed. It's not a big deal, so quit looking at me like that. You're making me feel kind of weird."

"Blondie, if you don't stop lyin'." Gajeel rolled his eyes. "We all know you've never had a woman."

"Oh, like _you_? I'm guessing you and the short stuff haven't hit if off either," countered Laxus casually, and with a taunting smirk.

"Shuddup, punk. You don't know anything. There's nothing going on between us. And don't call Levy Short Stuff—only _I_ can do that," growled Gajeel, "ya hear?"

"Relax, Redfox. I was only messin' with you. Why are you guys so interested in that kind of stuff all of a sudden? Wait, let me guess. You've been going through Gildarts's pervy magazines again. Where is the old man anyway?"

"Passed out drunk in the basement," responded Gray, "like always."

"And we don't give a shit about his magazines. We're trying to prove something," clarified Gajeel, "alright, Salamander. You already asked Blondie here if he's a virgin—which he is—so now it's time to ask a girl."

"What? Why do I have to ask a girl? I still don't have a clue what a virgin _is_."

"Someone who hasn't had sex," said Laxus, staring at Natsu like he was hopeless. "You'd think you would've figured that out by now."

"Oh. _OH._ "

"You asked a dude if he was a virgin and he just answered like he would any other question. If you ask a girl, however, she'll act like you asked to her to rape a kitten or something," said Gajeel. "If she reacts anything like that than she's most definitely a virgin."

Natsu wrinkled his nose. "That doesn't make sense, though. If a girl hasn't had sex then they shouldn't get offended when someone asks if they have."

"Oh yeah? Then why don't you ask one of the girls?" challenged Gajeel.

"I will." Natsu craned his neck around to spot most of the girls conveniently seated at a table across the room. "YO! Erza!" he called over. "I have a question."

"Wait, Salamander!" yelped Gajeel. It was already too late, unfortunately. Erza and the other girls were already staring in their direction.

"What is it, Natsu?"

And that was when Natsu asked the question that fucked up him over big time. "Are you a virgin?"


End file.
